Battosai's journal
by Aurorawhisperwind
Summary: The journal of Battosai, his feelings and opinions about everything that happened in the series! A closer look at Kenshin’s alter ego.
1. Chapter 1

Aurora Whisperwind: Another crazy idea! The journal of Battosai, the feared assassin who is shoved aside by the Rurouni. I know they are not separate people or anything, but this is parody and so all references to Kenshin will be 'we'.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. Happy?

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**Episode one**

Entry 1: Where are we going so freakin' early in the morning? I hope we're not going out of the city, I am sick of all the villages and snotty-nosed kids! Besides, they have no sense of hygiene! I really, really hate uncleanness. Filth is evil. Aku Zoku Zan. Oops, scratch that.

Entry 2: Someone calls _me_ by _my_ name! Oh the joy! Ooh… it's a girl. She's saying something… the Rurouni will take care of that. Time for _me_ to take an inventory on her. She's shorter than me, good. Dark hair, nice and shiny, good. Pretty blue eyes, good. Flawless, glowing skin, good. SHE'S SO CLEAN! EXCELLENT!

Entry 3: She's charging at us…. Time for me take over. Gotta show off.

Entry 4: Damn this Rurouni! He made us look bad! AND WE'RE DIRTY! NOOOOOO! I hope I can save this chick so she can take me home to a nice warm bath.

Entry 5: I just saved her! She's in our arms too! Whoa, she's light! _I_ just saved her! Ok, the Rurouni helped. A little… who was that creep anyway? Stealing my name? And those actually believed him… I am so much better-looking than that idiot!

Entry 6: Man, dressing her wounds felt good. She does have nice brea- er arms. Ahehehehe… Oh, by the way, update- Her name is Kaoru Kamiya, of the Kamiya Kasshin ryu style. That's a pretty name. And, she has own dojo! She's quite strong too, I am sick of the whole damsel in distress crap anyway.

Entry 7: Great… trust the Rurouni to spoil my fun… now we're outside, cooking. Sheesh. Kids coming forward, no snot. Are they clean? We're making rice balls. I hope she wakes up soon, I hope she wakes up soon, I hope she wakes up soon…. Nooooo! These brats just spilled miso soup all over us! Hot! Burning! Pain!

Entry 8: Hey she woke up! And she's offered us a place to stay! Preparing her bath. Why can't the Rurouni let me take over so that I can join her in there?

Entry 9: I can't believe how dumb the Rurouni can get! He actually bought my story that she would kill herself! Yeah, right. But on the pro-side, I got a nice long look. She's a bit on the slim side… but still good.

Entry 10: She's locked us in a barn. Of all the cute, childish things to do! She's angry again; man she's so hot when she's flustered! She's stormed off. I wonder what that idiot of a Rurouni said to her.

Entry 11: Time for us to get lost and investigate this tall, ugly, but most of all, dirty freako. Just as suspected, he's one of their students, Hiruma Gohei or some shitty name like that. But I ain't rushing back there.

Entry 12: He's gone in. Time for us to make the dramatic entrance. Oi! Get your filthy hands off her, your filthy bastard! She's mine! My precious! Mine!

Entry 13: Beat the crap out of these idiots. Man, she's so impressed! Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me! Go me! Gohei's saying some crap again. He actually thinks he can beat me?

Entry 14: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I beat him! Serves you right, for stealing my name, being dirty, and touching my precious!

Entry 15: Aaaawwww, she's so adorable. She wants us to stay… no wait… what was that again? She wants him to stay? Just the Rurouni? Oh, the pain! Sniffle I think I'll just grab my teddy and have a good cry.

Entry 16: The Rurouni accepted. Well, if he thinks that he can make out with her while I stand by and watch, he's wrong. No woman wants a purple-eyed wimp. Like maybe, but not want. But she's so happy. Man she's so cute when she smiles- OWIE! That was a hard hit!

Entry 17: Feeling better now. At least we're near her. She might like me eventually.

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Okay, so that was the first episode! Sorry if it was short. Tell me if you guys liked it!

Please review. Pretty please?


	2. Chapter 2

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Yay! Lots of reviews! It's a new record! I'm really happy you guys liked it, so here's the update!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters. I do own Battosai's journal though…. Hee hee!

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**Episode 2**

Entry 1: Hello diary! I'm deliriously happy…. Kaoru is so flustered, and man is she hot! Drool…. The sky is blue, the day is warm, the smell of cleanliness is over-powering….

Entry 2: Good feeling gone. I'm supposed to take people out to lunch? And pay with what? Kaoru, how could you do this to me?

Entry 3: These people are so mean! We can't afford all this…. Think you dumb Rurouni! How're we gonna afford it?

Entry 4: Whoa, I just saw a kid in a yellow gi. Yellow. Is he brain dead? But then again… the stupid Rurouni wears pink… our man-hood! It's gone!

Entry 5: The kid is good; maybe I should pick-pocket. It'll help us pay…

Entry 6: He put it back. The baka, honestly. What kind of an idiot does that? I think I'll humiliate him now by patting him on the head. Hahaha! I'm so evil!

Entry 7: Kaoru dragged me away. Ah…. I think I'm gonna have nose-bleed…

Entry 8: He slammed into me! And broke our connection! You are sooooo dead brat! Hey! He took our wallet! Grab him! Execute him! Burn him! Drown him!

Entry 9: Go Kaoru! Go Kaoru! Man, she's so awesome! I pledge my eternal love to you, babe. You are the most amazing person, ever!

Entry 10: He-Gave-it-back. The-Rurouni-gave-it-back. Man he's so thick!

Entry 11: Duck! Duck you stupid Rurouni! The wallet's heading for us! Duck, for Pete's sake! OWIE! Bloody hell…

Entry 12: Myojin Yahiko, eh? The way you're screaming kid, I think its time to change your nappy! And of course, the Rurouni had to be all humble and apologize… freako.

Entry 13: damn… now even in the restaurant, we talk about this brat. Bored. Mind drifting… Kaoru… Kaoru… Kaoru…

Entry 14: Kaoru? Where are you going? Stop!

Entry 15: Shit. What kind of an idiot are you, Rurouni? Did you have to grab her hair? She's so going to screw- OW!

Entry 16: Wow… the stars sure are pretty… so is that cow. Hey, it jumped over the moon!

Entry 17: Beloved! Where are you? Where did you run off to? Move yer arse, Rurouni! My Kaoru-senses are tingling!

Entry 18: Sniff… the smell of clean, sweet Kaoru… that way! Aw crap, traffic. Let's put them to sleep.

Entry 19: Oi! Get off her! Stop pointing that sword at her! For that, I'm gonna smash you into the ceiling! Intimidated everyone, the gang leader wet his pants, how cool can I get?

Entry 20: Okay, he's taking this grimy kid home. Crap! A permanent child? I'm never going to go anywhere with her with all these idiots around!

Entry 21: He called her busu? Busu? That radiant beauty is busu to you, brat?

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Short. But nothing else happens ne? Review! I'll have the next episode up soon! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Once again, people, I'm overawed by your amazing reviews.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own RK or its characters.

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Entry 1: Three days since the brat's living here. I'm beginning to regret it. She's not paying as much attention to me…. I feel so unloved sniff

Entry 2: This is so stupid! Why does she have to spend so much quality time with that kid? Leaving me out here with these children. Why do I always have to play babysitter? Making onigiri rice balls does get boring after a while.

Entry 3: Oh great. The brat crashed through the door and sprayed saw dust over me.

Entry 4: Never mind, he redeemed himself a little with that admiring look in those eyes. Oh, and our beloved is here.

Entry 5: Teach you my style? No way! Why would I want to do that? Nope, you stick to this Kamiya Kasshin Ryu.

Entry 6: Nice and clean after a wash. Time to make lunch for Kaoru with all my love.

Entry 7: Nasty cat! How dare you try and take her lunch? You're so dead!

Entry 8: OMG! SHE SAW ME! STRUGGLING WITH A CAT OF ALL THINGS! I MUST HAVE LOOKED SO STUPID! TIME TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SHE LAUGHS OUT LOUD!

Entry 9: Phew, out of there with unconscious kitty. Wait, those kids are coming. Time to hide the cat.

Entry 10: Stuck with these kids and out to buy tofu. At least they know how to go potty by themselves.

Entry 11: Bought the tofu. Was accosted by some really really dumb looking morons. One of them has buck teeth! Ha ha!

Entry 12: What to do, what to do? These girls aren't that old to appreciate my cool swordsmanship, are they? In fact they may cry or scream or something like that…. Kaoru will kick my ass if I do something to upset them.

Entry 13: Alright, I'll let the Rurouni play idiot.

Entry 14: The nasty fiends spilt the tofu! Your heads will roll soon, you idiots. As soon as I get rid of these two.

Entry 15: Dropped them off back home without them throwing a tantrum and bleeding my ears. Thank god.

Entry 16: A crowd… hey it's the brat! He's good with that stick of his….

Entry 17: Time for me to make my entrance now! Music, people!

Entry 18: Hey, buck-teeth is here. And gasp there's a guy wearing green! The yucky sort of green! Ewwwwwwwwww!

Entry 19: I kicked ass, majorly. I am so cool.

Entry 20: Fight with green man. Or rather me kicking his ass.

Entry 21: Look at me, people! I sheathed my sword before he fell. Aren't I amazing or what? Applaud!

Entry 22: I said applaud, not mob me! Get away from me, stop pulling my precious hair! You smell bad, all of you!

Entry 23: Kaoru! Where did you come from? Did you watch me?

Entry 24: Oh darling, you do care! You saved me from filth! I love you!

Entry 25: What now? Hey it's Yamagata! He look so weird with a moustache. And sniff he still smells bad, ugh.

Entry 26: Kaoru is so impressed I know this guy. So is the kid. Go me!

Entry 27: What's with this No-eyed chief guy yelling at me to be respectful? Respectful to a guy who I used to escort back to the head quarters, drunk and puking all over me? Yeah right.

Entry 28: You know, it's so hard to get the smell of vomit off clothes.

Entry 29: A top position in the imperial army. No way in hell am I escorting more drunk and puking morons. No thank you.

Entry 30: On our way back. The kid is finally seeing reason. I think he's grown on me a little though, he's not that bad… but man, isn't she awesome!

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Author's note: Short again. I've decided I'm going to keep the journal event-wise, so longer events; Sano's meeting, Megumi's meeting etc… will be longer. Read and review please! Do you guys like Battousai's attitude? 


	4. Chapter 4

**Aurora Whisperwind:** I just downloaded episodes 4 and 5 and am celebrating! By the way, thank you for your amazing reviews minna-san!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.

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Entry 1: A nice, beautiful day. Ah, smell that fresh air! Kaoru's juggling potatoes!

Entry 2: Yup, never a dull day in this place. She's really good! Only I can juggle better than her!

Entry 3: Yahiko just said something most uncharming. I swear that kid will never get a girl if he's as stupid as the Rurouni.

Entry 4: Kaoru just echoed my thoughts. We're really, well and truly soul-mates!

Entry 5: Aw crap, they had to ask about lunch! Honestly, I make something with effort, and all they do is whine about how its 'boring'. Bring some new ingredients and you'll get something new! I've already exhausted the 567 recipes requiring tofu, eggplants and fish!

Entry 6: Kaoru just wrecked her shed and got out what looked like an ink splatter. She's going to sell this… for money? And people will buy it… with money? She has to be joking.

Entry 7: She sold it. Oh my god. Either-

The guy was a genuine art admirer or

One look at that pretty face and he melted. Option (b) seems more likely though.

Entry 8: We're going to a restaurant! And I'm not paying!

Entry 9: Some drunk morons, again. Why do we always run into these people? I suppose its one the boring things in life… such as why we always have beef-pot here.

Entry 10: Super senses tingling. But if I duck, the dish will hit Kaoru! If I don't I'll look like an idiot! Of course, I could slash the dish in half mid strike but _someone_ thinks we shouldn't do it! What to do… what to do…

Entry 11: Kaoru is more important! Besides, when she figures that out, she might ahem reward me… giggle

Entry 12: Ow… that hurt! However, Kaoru caught me in her arms, yay!

Entry 13: Oh god, that was such a disturbing entry.

Entry 14: Yahiko picked a fight. Tea got thrown and caught by some weird looking rooster head. Crap he looks manlier than me in this situation!

Entry 15: We're outside. This guy beat one of those morons with a finger-flick. Kaoru looks impressed. Hah! What does she know? I could beat all three of them with a finger-flick!

Entry 16: You think you're the only one who looks cool, rooster-head? I don't care what you say Rurouni, I'm asserting myself!

Entry 17: Changed my mind about the rooster-head. He revealed the truth about my 'accident'. Sadly, Kaoru hasn't shown any reaction. Why? Is she starting to take me for granted?

Entry 18: It is so late. Will Dr. Genzai leave? Honestly, he ate into my star-gazing and brooding time with Kaoru!

Entry 19: Yay! He's leaving! Maybe we still have time… oh no, wait. I sense something. Crap, it's that guy again. What does the world want with me?

Entry 20: Blah blah blah, so you want to fight. With a big stone thing. Wow, very practical.

Entry 21: Hey that Gohei or whatever his name is here! Ooh, it's going to be so much fun to smash the branch on that fat head of his… mufufufufufufu…

Entry 22: The little brats woke up and disturbed the whole thing. Damn it, I wanted to get this thing over with!

Entry 23: I'm miserable. Kaoru did not want to star-gaze in peace with me. She wanted to talk about that Zanza guy. What is so cool about him?

Entry 24: I wonder how I'd look in his clothes… white is really my color too, it'll go with the hair… sort of. Anything but this dastardly pink!

Entry 25: Doing the laundry. Have made a vow to be unconcerned when the brat and Kaoru come along. It'll serve them right!

Entry 26: Crap, the kids are here again. And they've glomped my legs! Get off me, you little brats, get off!

Entry 27: Oh my god, you're worried about me? I'm so touched, Kaoru, really I am! Get off my legs, you brats! It's cutting off my circulation!

Entry 28: Playing with the children. Bored. Zanza! Hey you came at the right time!

Entry 29: All right let's finish this!

Entry 30: Kaoru! Yahiko! Whoa, I have fan support too! Okay ladies, you're going to see some action now!

Entry 31: Man, this guy is tough… he won't back down at all… Oi Gohei! Will you stop interfering!

Entry 32: GET YOUR HANDS OFF KAORU! YOU BLEEPING BLEEP OF A BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEP!

Entry 33: Zanza steeped up, as usual and stole my glory. Well, it's payback time. I'm going to perform a Dou-Ryu-sen and out-cool him.

Entry 34: That's it, if you're not going to back down Zanza, I'm flipping the sword. Oh my god, you agree, Rurouni? Swoon

Entry 35: You think you can beat me, even with that giant sword waving? I wasn't labeled the 'best' for no reason ya know.

Entry 36: You're still standing? Stop yelling at me! Grrr….

Entry 37: Stop behaving like a spoilt child! I'll slap you otherwise!

Entry 38: That's it. I can't knock sense into this idiot. I'm leaving it to you, Rurouni. Confuse him with all your weird talk of right and wrong.

Entry 39: Aaaawwww, it's so sweet of you to come to my defense, Kaoru.

Entry 40: 'You only know Kenshin as Battousai'? Why do people keep saying that? Do you hate me so much Kaoru? Why?

Entry 41: Rurouni, I said confuse him, not slander me. Jeez.

Entry 42: And finally the great Zanza falls. I hate the world. No one likes me.

Entry 43: A walk through town. I'm pissed. The brat's with me and Kaoru and we're talking about Zanza again. Enough about him!

Entry 44: Hey it's those guys from the restaurant the last time, and here's Zanza, kicking their ass. Go Zanza.

Entry 45: 'Just like you are no longer Battousai'. What? Why do people keep ignoring me? Rurouni! I want out! I'm not going to be stuck in here being slandered all the time! I was not a mad killing machine! I WANT TO BE FREE! LET ME OUT!

Entry 46: I hate everyone.

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Uh-oh. Somebody's upset… anybody has ideas on how to cheer him up? Poor Battousai… so unloved.

Anyways, read and review, minna-san!


	5. Chapter 5

**Aurora Whisperwind:** -peeps- I'm very ashamed to have neglected this fic for so long, Gomen ne! But here's a very long overdue update!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.

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Entry 1: A lovely morning! My beloved Kaoru-chan is cooking! Darling, this suspiciously burnt tofu is like a piece of heaven to me, and the over-spiced sauce is honey. A stomach upset is well worth it. 

Entry 2: Look happy you brats! And you, Zanza! Stop criticizing her cooking! You should be thanking Kaoru on bended knee for merely gracing you with her presence!

Entry 3: Go Kaoru! Go Kaoru! Go Kaoru! Hit him! Kill him! Why is he coming here so often anyway?

Entry 4: Oi, stop using me as a shield! Stop it, Zanza or I'll shove my sword up your ass! Or better yet, I'll shove your ex-sword! Itai!

Entry 5: Owwwieeee, that bucket was hard…

Entry 6: The narrow-eyed police guy is here. Yay.

Entry 7: He wants us to defeat a serial murderer? Kurogasa eh… a swordsman of great skill. Pshaw, it must be that idiot Jinei. He's nothing compared to me. He's ugly and bald and smelly. But I'm not helping this time, no one ever acknowledges me anyway -sniffle-

Entry 8: What do you mean 'His heart must be still taken by the smell of blood' you idiot of a Rurouni? Are you trying to imply something? And we're taking this job??? You always have to look cool in front of Kaoru ne, you sneaky bastard.

Entry 9: -yawns- Another night of star gazing with my lovely Kaoru chan will be interrupted, this had better be worth it.

Entry 10: I knew it. I knew it was going to suck. I'm in a room full of brainless mercenaries, and some of them haven't had a bath since they were born!

Entry 11: "Leave it us, Tani-san. We'll kill the murderer" Ahous. And to make my cup of misery full, Zanza is here. I think I'll die soon with the stench. No choice then, I'll hide and let the Rurouni take over completely for a while.

Entry 12: Yep, I knew it was Jinei. And he's not bald but lord, what a disgustingly unfashionable hat. Blech. I'm going to throw up just looking at it. He thinks he looks cool with the whole _standing on the window sill with the moon behind him pose_? I _invented_ that pose you creepy eyed freak!

Entry 13: Wait… as I recall, he had some weird ass eye trick… now what was it…

Entry 14: Oh yeah… it was the freeze the body trick! What was it called again? Shin-no-something… heh heh, Zanza's frozen. Should I let him die? No, Kaoru-chan'll be upset. I think I'll just wait for the dramatic moment and do my thing.

Entry 15: Score! I was just so cool! I split the hat in half! Go me! The old fart didn't know what hit him… giggle Take that, for your crime against fashion!

Entry 16: Hey, he called me Battousai! My name!

Entry 17: That baka used his trick on us. Does he actually think it'll work? And stop acting like hysterical women, all of you!

Entry 18: I vote we kill him.

Entry 19: As usual, my petition was ignored and the Rurouni started spouting crap.

Entry 20: "The Battousai, who froze men's blood from fear" Now that's more like it!

Entry 21: Zanza broke the spell. He's not as much of an idiot as I thought. He's picking up a large statue and… trying to hit Jinei? Wow, he is an idiot.

Entry 22: At last, the Rurouni agrees we fight. Why can't we stop the useless sparring and just flip the sword?

Entry 23: He cut us. Tch. Rurouni, just listen to him. Give me a chance!

Entry 24: -sniffle- I wanted to get my wound dressed by Kaoru, but no... Zanza has to do it. God knows where he put these bandages… yuck.

Entry 25: You have a message for Kaoru-chan? What are you thinking Rurouni?

Entry 26: WE'RE THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY? WHAT???? I WANT KAORU-CHAN! YOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY FROM HER! I DON'T WANT TO SIT BY THE SMELLY RIVER! I WANT TO GO BACK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Entry 27: -sobs- Kaoru-chan! You're here! You came for me!

Entry 28: -wails- you'll stay with me? Oh you're an angel from heaven, I swear! But love, you don't need to do that… I'll fight and win and come back for you.

Entry 29: Kaoru-chan's ribbon! Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm never returning it! I'm going to smell it and sleep with it everyday!

Entry 30: WTF. The old fart had a duplicate hat.

Entry 31: HEY HE TOOK MY KAORU-CHAN! GET BACK HERE YOU BLEEPING SON OF A BLEEPING BLEEP!

Entry 32: That's it -kicks Rurouni unconscious- I'm so whipping his ass.

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I know I said I'd keep the journal event wise, but that will be hard. I'll be back soon with the continuation! 

Read and review, please!


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